.:September 1st:.

Woah. I woke up this morning feeling like it should still be August. Then the realization hit me that today is September 1st. I will be full term on the 20th. One more month. In one month it will be October and we will be ready to have Max. or will we?

The stress and anxiety of getting everything ready... perfect... is starting to set in. I know that things don't have to be perfect for us to bring home a healthy happy baby. I just feel this sense of needing everything to be as close to it as possible. Max's nursery is pretty much complete and we've got the essential things we need to bring him home. I just feel like his room is unorganized and I need to get it there. The kitchen needs to be cleaned and organized. The study. The living room. Our room. All of it. All of it needs to be ready. The worst part is I don't even know what "ready" means.

I've just been stressed. Monday night I went into Labor and Delivery again at 1:30am for another non-stress test. Max passed. But why doesn't he move? Is it my stress? This is the second time I've gone in to get things checked out. I really hesitated on Monday because I feel like a crazy person who is worrying over nothing. The nurses are all really sweet and keep telling me it doesn't matter how many times I come in. If I feel like I should then I should. But I can't help feeling like a neurotic freak who is worrying over nothing. Nothing I read has been helpful. Everything says go on your gut instinct and err on the side of caution. So I might end up in L&D 12 more times before Max comes. I take comfort knowing some of my mama friends did the same thing. The one thing I noticed is that it was usually with their first child. Its hard not knowing what to expect and knowing what is normal or not.

I'm also not sleeping very well which I know is wearing on my mental stability. I don't sleep for longer then an hour at a time. I'm up every hour to pee, adjust, get water, and everything else. It makes it hard to wake up at 4:30am to go to work. I've been missing days because of it. Luckily I have FMLA that excuses me but I don't get paid for it.

Well. This has turned into my B*tch fest blog. I really am tired, achy, and worn out. But I still feel blessed by this little miracle growing inside of me. I'd do it again if it meant having Max. But I'm ready. At least mentally, physically, and emotionally. The rest of the preparations will just have to fall into place. or not.