We made it!! 10 days left til my estimated due date. But more importantly I LOVE this month. I look forward to October every year even though it is bitter sweet. Fall is in the air and the colors are changing! I know the love comes from my childhood. Whenever I would start feeling the weather change, see the leaves change colors, and the Halloween decor in stores it was almost time for me to be another year older. Which was exciting in those days. I'm going to be 27 on Oct. 26th and I still feel young enough to be excited about it. I will be a new mama and so complete!
October is also tainted with the memory of some of the most difficult losses I've experienced. My best friend Zane Fifield passed away on October 30, 2003. I really can't believe it has been that long. The wound still feels so fresh at times. This year it will be 7 years since his passing and I still remember him with so much detail. I try to make it to Willard, Utah to visit his graveside every year. I should probably try to do that this weekend since I am due to have a baby at any moment. Wow. I really wonder what Zane would have to say about that. About everything that he has missed. Friends getting married, having children, buying houses, and just experiencing everything life has to offer. I miss him so much and I really wish he were here right now. He would have been the friend who was lying with me in bed the last few weeks watching movies and laughing. He will always mean so much to me and I will always feel the void he left behind in my heart.
It is also coming up on the year anniversary of my Grandma's death. When I was little I practically lived with my Grandma and Grandpa. We used to have a house right behind them. I would have the intention to sleep at home with my family but would end up waking up in the middle of the night crying for Grandma. I remember my Mom would call and let Gma know I was coming over. My Mom would open our front door, Gma would open the back door and I'd run from one house to the other. ♥ She always knew how to make me feel better. Gma loved children and I would have really loved to be able to introduce her to Max. Seth and I started trying to have this baby last January. It took us a full year to get pregnant. At the time I felt somewhat sad about that because I really wanted to be able to share that news with Gma before she left us. Now I realize there is a time and plan for everything. Had I gotten pregnant right away the stress leading up to her passing would have been way too much to handle for me. It was hard but at least I was able to give 100% to her while she was still here and not have the demands of making a baby on my body. This year seems much more calm and relaxing for a baby. She has been gone almost a year and I hope that the arrival of Max will make it a little bit easier on my family.
So this month is for meeting the new man in my life and remembering loved ones lost. It's important for me to remember them with love and happiness. Happy October everyone!
1 comments:
This entry brought tears to my eyes for multiple reasons. I didn't realize it took you and Seth awhile to conceive as well. With my first, I conceived a few days after my dad passed away (I was charting my temp so that's how I know HeHe) and we had been trying for 2 years. I feel the same way you do about your Grandma, the stress of his passing would have been too much to handle. I also really believe that my dad sent Noah down to us, might sound silly, but helps me feel better to know they were acquainted. Also might sound silly, but I felt my dad's presence the day I had Noah, and I am sure your Grandma will be with you as well. <3
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